Finally a break

Sammy went up to Bellingham for his first sleepover with Grandma and Grandpa. I can't believe how quiet the house is. And how peaceful. This is the first time he's ever been away from us. For the first time, my husband and I are in a position to assess how Sam's autism has affected our lives.
Our lives are.....chaotic. Sam does not focus for long periods of time. He cannot play on his own for more than five or ten minutes. He has difficulty following directions and needs constant prompting to do things he already knows how to do and does every day. I'm not talking reminders, I'm talking actual prompts to take him step by step through the process, every single step, every single time. Or he won't do it. Sam uses words to communicate his wants and needs only with difficulty and requires constant prompting. To complicate matters, he'll sometimes deny his needs even when they are obvious. For example, if there is ANYthing else he'd rather do, he will refuse to go to the bathroom (even when he's doing the potty dance) and will throw a tantrum when we take him anyway. Letting him pee in his pants does not change this behavior, by the way. He is still unable to have a back-and-forth conversation. In short, he is a LOT of work. His younger brother has been easier to care for almost from birth. (And no, NOT because he's the second baby. Honestly, if I hear that one more time.... He makes eye contact, he imitates us, he can understand our facial expressions, he responds to our speech, he has a much longer fuse, he's more adaptable and he wants to please. Oh, and his behavior makes sense.)
I realize why I often feel crazy. I'm not crazy. My life is.
So, I understand about the stress now. It's combination of getting no time to myself while working a total immersion-type job that requires an extraordinary amount of emotional endurance. Because Sammy is a runner and has a limited ability to follow directions, I entrust him to very few people. If someone takes one of the boys I don't get a break because I still have to care for the other. If the grandparents come, they are not able to go anywhere outdoors with both boys, or even Sam, because they can't catch him if he runs away. Even my husband is reluctant (refuses) to take them both out at once. And homebody that I am, I don't want to try to relax in some public place with a coffee and a book. I want to curl up in my bedroom in a quiet house and have some peace and quiet in a space that is my own, and feel secure that NO one will interrupt me and that NO one is depending on me for anything. For an hour or two. Right now, that isn't going to happen.
I have some ideas for working with Sam's behaviors that I'll post later. He is about to start ABA therapy, so maybe things will change soon for the better.