Tired account of day

I'm so drowsy right now my head keeps drooping, so nothing too scintillating tonight. Tim stayed late to help with conflicting appointments I inadvertently made; he took Sam to speech therapy while I took Thom for his annual exam with the doctor. Thom is a tall, lean baby-- 90th percentile in height but only 40th in weight. Sam threw tantrum after tantrum with me today but had a good day at school and with his speech therapist. I didn't get a chance to run today but got in a good workout with the jump rope for ten minutes. I knew Tim would be working late due to helping so picked up some teriyaki chicken at the Teriyaki House so I wouldn't get pooped from fixing dinner and it worked perfectly. We all ate, then had time to play and I was actually able to clean up the kitchen and hang out with them before starting their bath. Once in bed, it was the usual half hour of squalling, breast clawing and mayhem before the kids dropped off. That's it for today!

Stuff I've been reading

I've been reading some pretty good stuff lately, nothing particularly heavy. Or even remotely heavy. Hey, I'm busy!
I've finished the first three books in the Dresden Files series by Jim Butcher and am currently reading the fourth, Summer Knight. The books are great! Butcher has a fertile imagination, fills up his books with enough detail and variety to keep the series interesting. So far, he also has not gone the way of Laurel K. Hamilton and keeps sex scenes short and sweet. The emotional hand-wringing when innocents are hurt or killed is also, mercifully kept to a minimum. (I understand it lends some depth to the characters when authors do this, but I happen to be reading for entertainment, here. Also, if Indiana Jones had gotten into snits whenever there was a little collateral damage, where would he have been?) So far, Harry has not taken any risks that are too ludicrous, ignored help that was too obvious, or shown too egregious an inability to learn from his mistakes. Though a scene where he gets the crap kicked out of him until he speaks politely would be entertaining. Honestly, he gets nearly killed once every year or so, you'd think he'd develop some tact. Oh well, I guess Jim Butcher needs keep the plot a-movin' along. After all, when writing scene after scene about fighting demons, werewolves (excuse me, loup-garous), soul-eating ghosts, ghouls and vampires, he might be excused for thinking that a normal person simply wouldn't be up to the job. So Harry has an inflated sense of honor, feels overresponsible, overprotects and underinforms people, feels excessively guilty, is extremely tenacious, hotheaded, impulsive, and rude. He's the fly in everyone's ointment, a bad date but a great lay, and a big dork. From reading Butcher's dedications I believe that roleplaying is near and dear to his heart, and roleplayers feature prominently in minor roles throughout the series.

Finally a break

Sammy went up to Bellingham for his first sleepover with Grandma and Grandpa. I can't believe how quiet the house is. And how peaceful. This is the first time he's ever been away from us. For the first time, my husband and I are in a position to assess how Sam's autism has affected our lives.
Our lives are.....chaotic. Sam does not focus for long periods of time. He cannot play on his own for more than five or ten minutes. He has difficulty following directions and needs constant prompting to do things he already knows how to do and does every day. I'm not talking reminders, I'm talking actual prompts to take him step by step through the process, every single step, every single time. Or he won't do it. Sam uses words to communicate his wants and needs only with difficulty and requires constant prompting. To complicate matters, he'll sometimes deny his needs even when they are obvious. For example, if there is ANYthing else he'd rather do, he will refuse to go to the bathroom (even when he's doing the potty dance) and will throw a tantrum when we take him anyway. Letting him pee in his pants does not change this behavior, by the way. He is still unable to have a back-and-forth conversation. In short, he is a LOT of work. His younger brother has been easier to care for almost from birth. (And no, NOT because he's the second baby. Honestly, if I hear that one more time.... He makes eye contact, he imitates us, he can understand our facial expressions, he responds to our speech, he has a much longer fuse, he's more adaptable and he wants to please. Oh, and his behavior makes sense.)
I realize why I often feel crazy. I'm not crazy. My life is.
So, I understand about the stress now. It's combination of getting no time to myself while working a total immersion-type job that requires an extraordinary amount of emotional endurance. Because Sammy is a runner and has a limited ability to follow directions, I entrust him to very few people. If someone takes one of the boys I don't get a break because I still have to care for the other. If the grandparents come, they are not able to go anywhere outdoors with both boys, or even Sam, because they can't catch him if he runs away. Even my husband is reluctant (refuses) to take them both out at once. And homebody that I am, I don't want to try to relax in some public place with a coffee and a book. I want to curl up in my bedroom in a quiet house and have some peace and quiet in a space that is my own, and feel secure that NO one will interrupt me and that NO one is depending on me for anything. For an hour or two. Right now, that isn't going to happen.
I have some ideas for working with Sam's behaviors that I'll post later. He is about to start ABA therapy, so maybe things will change soon for the better.

Thanksgiving....new developments

Thanksgiving was fun. Dinner was cooked by my MIL and devoured by all. I felt for her when she mentioned that sometimes she felt like serving the dinner in courses, as it had taken two days to prepare and only about forty-five minutes to consume. I was in charge of preparing dessert, and was going to make a pumpkin pie crumble cake, but caved under pressure from my husband and bought a pumpkin pie from Costco instead. (Which involved taking both kids to Costco the day before Thanksgiving, the same day I had to take them to the doctor.) I took them at lunchtime and it was a zoo, but according to one of the employees, we were actually in a "lull" from the shopping chaos of that morning. So I counted my blessings that I was able to get into a checkout line before I was completely exhausted.
Speaking of blessings, Sam can now pee standing up. He watched my husband do it, and without any overt instruction, stepped up and did the deed. More to come later.

Time out...not really!!!

After last weekend's party, and a busy week, I arranged with Tim to have a night out on my own....except it didn't work out that way. First I had to go pick up Sammy's antibiotics, as a visit to the doctor confirms burgeoning infections in both ears. Then I tried to visit the toy store for a present for Sam's cousin Clark, and the yarn store for yarn to knit Tim a hat. Both were closed (early, but who can blame 'em?) Then, on to the grocery store to pick up supplies for Thanksgiving and tons of fruitless searching around the store to confirm that Safeway does not sell grated, UNsweetened coconut. Then a trip to the newly opened REI next door to suss it out for gifts & such. Then a trip to Barnes & Noble for a new date book as the appointments for 2008 seem to be racking up already. Then home, where finally, I was able to treat myself to a 20 minute walk, right from the car. When I came inside, Tim came downstairs with Thom, who was not sleeping due to an unusually late nap. Tim hands over Thom. Both are gleeful about it. We feed Thom (correction: allow Thom to play with) a piece of birthday cake and sing him Happy Birthday, then I take him up to bed, where he is persuaded to fall asleep with extreme difficulty. The whole night has been pretty bumpy--that's what I get for disrupting his routine. Gah!

1st Birthday aftermath

I am sitting in my cushy new bathrobe as I write, eating birthday cake and drinking iced tea. It doesn't get much better than this! We celebrated Thom's first birthday up in Bellingham. Both boys had a blast running around with their friends, playing with toys, etc. Thom raked in some great loot but in typical one year old fashion was more interested in chewing on his birthday cards and playing with the wrapping paper. The older kids were on us like sharks, though, pouncing on and removing each toy as it was opened. I suspect that next year, when Thom is two, they may meet with more resistance. "They" being Sam, Cate, Finn and Ruarc.
I'm still nursing a huge cold sore, but it is finally going away along with the cold that came with it. I had a talk with Tim about feeling run down. He had some suggestions for making sure that I have more energy that involved taking more time away from the kids, and arranging things so that the kids take less out of me. More time away from the kids is good, but it has to be more time doing the right things, i.e. relaxing things like writing, reading or exercise. Spending time with close friends also helps. Knitting, cooking, cleaning, large crowds, small talk--not so good. I also prefer spending time at home, but don't really have any personal space here right now. The office feels like Tim's right now, though I'm sure I could change it to reflect me as well. The bedroom feels more like a sanctuary, with my books and glider but, since the boys sleep in our bed at night, I can't use it.
Ah well, it grows late and I should be off to bed. I have to go to an evaluation for Applied Behavioral Analysis therapy for Sam tomorrow. Lynda will be babysitting Thom.
Oh, and I finished Storm Front, by Jim Butcher. Excellent, good fun. I highly recommend it and plan to purchase the second book asap.

Internal detente for now

Doing ok today, though totally at a loss as to what to do with the kids. It's a crappy crap Seattle day and what I'd really like to do is to take a long nap. Finished P.N. Elrod's The Vampire Files, Vol. 1. I enjoyed it very much. She ends all her books with cliffhangers, but I haven't been too annoyed--yet. Got to go. Still need to find something to do with the kids, preferably something they'll enjoy, too.

Slowly but surely

Well, starting to feel better. Having Tim home for the three day weekend definitely has helped. I still feel snappish, though. Started reading Jim Butcher's Storm Front and P.N. Elrod's Vampire Files or something. I discovered both authors from the anthology Many Bloody Returns, edited by Charlaine Harris and grrr, can't remember... the other lady. Both are quite good. It's been too long since I actively sought out new authors and my reading was getting a bit stale.
I didn't get to walk today--very frustrating as I crave some sort of physical outlet. I started researching Bellydancing videos again. Maybe if I can find one that is more of a workout???? I also looked at ashtanga yoga but I don't think yoga is for me. Either it has a spirituality that I find way too woo-woo or the practitioner seems to have a massive ego--and I just can't take it seriously. I mean, does anyone look more smug than Rodney Yee? Plus I never have gotten a decent workout from it. I'm not sure I can get it from bellydancing either but I do love dancing and maybe I can at least have a little more fun. I need something for the days when I didn't make it out to walk and I'm crawling out of my skin.
Sam had a pretty good day today--not too rambunctious. Mostly, he played well with Thom but tried to bite when he got frustrated but stopped when we jumped on him. I think the biting is just a bad habit he needs to break--they need to watch him at school. I spent some of the day cleaning & doing laundry as his teachers are coming by for a home visit and a parent-teacher conference. I'm going to tell them that they need to watch Sammy and just intervene when he bites-- that's all there is to it. As for the running--I still don't know. He does it now when he is out with Tim. It's a game to him--he wants to play chase and he laughs as he runs away. He needs to learn that it ISN'T FUNNY!!! Apparently he ran all over the store at Trader Joe's. Tim finally put him in the shopping cart. Note to tell Tim: It helps to make Sam participate--pick out every single item and put it in the cart and to keep up a continual flow of commentary to keep his attention. Then, after they left Tully's, he ran right towards a busy street--and only stopped, quite suddenly, at the last minute. Maybe a harness again??? The monkey backpack barely fits him anymore-- kids his age aren't supposed to be doing this. Maybe go sit in the car for five minutes every time it happens--complete with social story before we get out of the car & warning before we go sit in the car for a "time-out". That way we don't need to go home if it's an errand that really needs to get done. Maybe differentiate between "play" errands when he can explore and "work" errands when he needs to stay with us. Maybe alternate a work errand with a play errand. Hmph. That could work.
Thom is now standing up without grabbing onto anything. He only makes it for a few seconds before thumping back down onto his rear.
Well, I'm still snarly but am feeling better. I just want to get through my days without wanting to beat the shit out of something.

3rd day & running--a look at Motherstyles & coping

The last time I felt like this Tim had to stay home from work to care for the kids for a few days. I lay in bed and stared at the ceiling.
The following is from Motherstyles, by Janet Penley for INFP, my Meyers-Briggs type. They are tips for keeping INFP's at their best.

Introversion: "Taking care of me" means getting quiet time for reflection. Take at least half an hour to an hour every day for solitude. Use nap times to recharge. Find ways to meet your young child's need for external stimulation that don't involve you.

Intuition: "Taking care of me" means entertaining new ideas, perspectives, and dreams. Time the basics of day-to-day living with a timer. Enjoy living in the moment. Do a little rather than nothing.

Feeling: "Taking care of me" means time off from constantly being needed. Find out what your own needs really are.

Perceiving: "Taking care of me" means freedom from a tight schedule. Start your day with a crisis list rather than a things to do list. Time some of the tasks you do routinely. Don't back yourself into a corner with a lot of rules you'll ultimately find too restrictive.

For INFP specifically: Rather than constantly doing, the INFP mother may function at her best when she has large blocks of unstructured time--time to deal with the unexpected, time to pursue creative projects, and time to think things through. Always giving to others, she can benefit from giving to herself as well--time to take an afternoon nap, read, walk, bike, or watch a movie or a play.

Naturally tuned in to what others think and feel, the INFP mother needs to practice tuning into her own wisdom, and trusting it, when making decisions on behalf of her children. Because the INFP often represents a minority point of view, she may have learned to discount her own intuition about her child when facing a teacher, physician, or administrator. The INFP mother can empower herself as a parent by confidently acting on her tuned-in understanding of her child, even when others don't see it her way, and by giving herself room to make mistakes and learn from them.

Motherstyles is the most useful book on parenting I've come across to date....So, if only I did a better job of following this advice.....I just get too damned stressed out. And I complicate things unduly by doing things like knitting, that I think will relax me but really just drive me crazy. So far this blog is relaxing. Maybe I could simplify things by kicking Tim off the computer more often to write!
The intuition part is interesting as I am constantly racking my brains to find things that will be of benefit to Sam. For some of it, seems like intuition is all I have to go on. I need to continue to investigate ABA & also have his sensory profile analyzed. But the only other things I can think of are more practice with pragmatics (eye contact, joint attention, back-and-forth exchanges-- verbal and non-verbal communication as opposed to just adding language), more structured one-on-one time, and more physical exercise, preferably structured. I'd like to start a "Mom and Sam" time tradition, maybe on Saturday mornings, when we hang out, have fun and work on pragmatics. I think he needs more exercise too. He thrived on his swim lessons-- maybe call Samena to ask if they'd do adapted aquatics in the outdoor pool, or maybe spend on private lessons? I really think he needs something. Little Gym maybe? (Call them.) Or maybe schedule hikes on the weekends? It's getting dark so early we're getting limited as to what we can do outside after school is out--unless I want to start hanging out at McDonald's. Of course, we'd have more time if I took him out of the full day program....but I only want to do that if I have a structured plan for exercise that I believe would be of more benefit than school. And I think he really needs what he gets there.
Husband just ran off to go play poker with a friend. I was really looking forward to spending some time with him this evening, so am feeling abandoned. Also I suspect that my friend went to a bar without me this evening. I'm not sure I wanted to go, but I still would like to have gone just to see if my antipathy to bars still holds. I haven't been out drinking since they banned smoking in bars & restaurants here. I quit originally because I am extremely allergic to cigarette smoke and the smell drove me nuts as well. (I had long, thick wavy hair practically down to my waist-- and had to wash every night I went drinking before I could sleep--big drag.) Anyway, now I might have more fun. Poor little me. I think I may be starting to feel better.

Still psycho

But improving! I sat and watched last week's episode of Heroes with my husband. I didn't try to knit or read at the same time. I just sat there and watched. It was......refreshing.
I also got a chance to spend some quality time with Sam, my oldest son, today. We had lunch at Barnes & Noble (cheese sandwich and a sugar cookie--his favorite) and then wandered around a couple of nearby parking garages, his current obsession. He loves the low ceilings, the echoes, the low light, the construction materials, the fans, you name it. He has a great time and was able to wind down from the week.
It was nice to reconnect with him. It's next to impossible to do it at home with Thom around. In typical toddler fashion, he's a sweetie, but a real attention hog.

Second blog thoughts

God, I hope this works.

Things I've tried to manage stress since first son was born, four years ago in January:

hot baths
reading romance novels
reading mystery novels,
just reading
walking
running
bellydancing
yoga
eating
knitting
baking
nailbiting
sex
socializing
nervous breakdown
meditation
Zoloft
shopping

Of those, walking, Zoloft, eating, shopping and reading are all partially effective. Oh, and sex. Oh, hell, they're ALL partially effective. But nothing ever quite does it. Running actually came closest but once the endorphins wore off I got really nasty and my hip started to hurt, so that was a no-go. So, in spite of having a life that often seems to revolve around stress maintenance, I still feel like going postal on a regular basis. Haven't tried alcohol as that could prove to be a slippery slope.
Am now fantasizing about a week to myself without the kids. Ha. Maybe that would do it. No one will probably ever see this post, but there's nothing like addressing a hypothetical audience to come up with an actual solution. Of course, there's no chance of that happening anytime soon--which leads to my next fantasy--the one about gnawing my arm off at the wrist.

First Post

I started this blog tonight because as I was putting the boys down to bed I was imagining that I was taking a chainsaw to all the pots and pans in my kitchen, then hurling all of my dishes out into the street. I think I may need an outlet.
I am: a stay at home mom with one autistic son, almost four, and one NT son, almost one. Great kids, yes. The older one is now in special needs preschool, six hours a day, four days a week. He's improved dramatically since he started there. Our NT son is a social butterfly--loves attention and chatters incessantly. I gave birth to polar opposites. I have a husband who is a software developer with caffeine and roleplaying addictions. Before I had kids I worked as a massage therapist, but wouldn't go back to it. That's it for now. I know it's pretty skimpy.